I was officially diagnosed with eating disorders when I was 20, and have struggled with them ever since because I didn’t receive any treatment. I had what I call the Triad – anorexia, bulimia and body dysmorphia.
My triad was anorexia, bulimia and body dysmorphia, but it can differ from person to person.
In laymen’s terms, I would deprive myself of food (anorexia), would throw up the food I did eat (bulimia) and genuinely saw fat when I looked in the mirror (body dysmorphia).
I didn’t receive any treatment because I wasn’t considered ‘sick enough’. My BMI was still classed as healthy (by the way, BMI is a load of bull crap!) and I didn’t look like the size zero girls that were popular at the time (around 2010, think Kate Moss at her thinnest).
So yeah, I never learned how to deal with the thoughts that I was having; I still don’t know how to deal with those thoughts!
I’ve been living with eating disorders for around 8 years now. Sometimes, it’s not even a mumble in the background; other times it’s a roar in my ear that is hard to ignore.
The hypocrisy comes when I see the same traits in other people.
I notice when people pick at their food; when people say that they already ate when I know that they haven’t; when they skip breakfast; when they skip lunch but eat EVERYTHING in sight for dinner…
As soon as I see these traits, my stomach clenches and I want to protect them; I know that I’m probably a helicopter friend but I can’t help it. I ask if they’ve eaten, ask them to make sure they’re drinking enough water, ask them to eat a piece of fruit if they don’t want a full meal…
I promise that if I do this to you, that it’s not done with malice. I just don’t want you on the slippery path that I was on all those years ago.
And yes it is a very slippery path. Go back to my post if you want to see how my eating became disordered (I’m giving you a very real trigger warning because I’m very frank about it).
If I start doing it to you, please tell me to stop if it’s not helpful. I also know that it’s very hypocritical of me to be telling you to eat when I’ve been avoiding food that day.