I am not the best at making friends; I’m a bit of a loner but when I make friends, I will give everything I have to make sure they feel loved.
I’ve struggled with a lot of things during my life and friendships were the only thing that got me through, so when those friendships change and shift, it’s hard for me to deal with.
I have had 4 friendships that have changed my life and I wanted to share them with you.
My first best friend was Josie. We met when we were 7 as she joined my school and we were the Terrible Twosome. We played netball together, we stayed at each other’s houses and being her friend taught me that I can be girly and a tomboy.
One Saturday in 2005, I was 14 and sat in my South Birmingham netball kit waiting to hear if my match was cancelled. The phone rang and the woman on the other end asked for my mum, I didn’t really recognise the voice. Mum tutted through the conversation until she hung up and looked at me.
“Josie died last night.”
I remember covering my mouth with my hands and tears falling from my eyes. I didn’t even realise what was happening. I don’t remember much about the rest of the day, but I remember feeling lost. I would stare at the sky, at the ceiling, and the floor… I’d look for answers as to why Josie died, and why God would take her when she was only 13.
Josie had a brain haemorrhage in her sleep; I was told that she would’ve only felt a headache.
Kayleigh and Pippa
I met Kayleigh (left picture) and Pippa (right picture) at University – Pippa lived opposite me in Halls and Kayleigh was in my class.
Kayleigh and I didn’t really talk during first year, she had her friends and I sat with my housemate, but during the second year, I fell in love with her spirit.
She would be there whenever I needed her with a glass of wine when we were struggling with our essays.
She’s now moved to Stirling in Scotland so I’ll probably not get to see her for a really long time, but I know that I can talk to her about anything.
As soon as I saw Pippa, I didn’t think we would get on. Within 10 minutes of moving into her room, it was completely pink. She was a princess and I thought we would repel each other, but it was the total opposite.
We were best friends. When I had trouble with eating, she was right next to me the whole time.
She moved back to Leeds after Uni and I moved back to Birmingham; we’ve only seen each other once since we graduated because time just got away from us. We’d make loose plans and never follow through, but I know that she’d be there if I ever needed her.
I love these two with all of my heart and I cannot wait to see them again, even if I don’t know when that will be.
I met Sophie at work and she was the best person I could’ve met. We could sit next to each other on our phones and not worry about it.
We would go out to eat and drink copious amounts of prosecco. We would even do Fizz Friday every week after work, spilling our souls and making plans. When she quit her job, I got her a basic admin job at the recruitment firm I worked out. It felt like old times.
We planned to go to Australia together and I was SO excited. I guess I was so excited that I missed some of what she was expecting for Australia. She said that she was only going for three months; I thought we were going together for a year. She quit working at the recruitment company and I found out from a colleague. I was heartbroken.
I was so heartbroken that I couldn’t put it into words so I went quiet. Let me tell you now, that was the WRONG thing to do. I should’ve talked to her about how I felt, but I was so hurt that she would keep those things from me that I just shut down.
When we started talking again, it just wasn’t the same. We tried to go back to how we were, but there was too much hurt in both of us to get past. I went to Australia, I’m not sure where she is.
Different Type of Grief
I miss all of these friendships in different ways.
I guess I miss Sophie the most because this is the one that I messed up. I messed up because I didn’t express myself when I was hurting. I felt hurt that she wasn’t honest about Australia right from the start, I felt embarrassed that I had to find out that she had quit from a colleague…
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve started to type her name into Facebook and then delete it. I just want to apologise for shutting off when that was the last thing I should’ve done. My life would be so different. We could’ve gone to Australia together, I would’ve had a different experience, and who knows what would’ve happened? Maybe I wouldn’t have started blogging, maybe we would’ve gone on a world adventure.
I can’t say what could’ve happened, but I can say this: I miss Sophie with all of my heart, but I’m worried that too much time has passed for me to be able to apologise to her.
If you ever have a tricky time during a friendship, try and resolve it before it becomes an earthquake and ruins anything.